It's 6:30 p.m. on Monday evening. My first Fantasy football draft is an hour and a half away. I have a rough list of mostly quarter backs, running backs, and receivers. I get second pick. All I needed was one back-up for all my first picks. What could go wrong?
Back up. About a week ago, I was talking to my friend Tyler. I'm not sure how it came up, but he mentioned there was a spot left on the Fantasy football team he was on. I thought it would be fun to give it a shot, so I e-mailed the manager. Boom: got me a football league. Mmmhmm. Watch out, boys (and girls). Here comes KEEF. I fully committed my upcoming weekend to learning all I could and devising a strategy and team that would leave people stunned.
Then reality happened: yard work, housework, and Pinterest.
To be fair, on Saturday I did go to my grandmother's house (Read: one of the most knowledgeable sports people I know), and she gave me some tips. Of course, she's an everything-Texas fan, if we don't have it Oklahoma. A couple of times, she wanted me to clarify if it were college or pro.
"It's pro, Grandmother. We can't use college." So she started naming off all her favorite Dallas players: Romo, Murray, and a few others I don't remember. Then she clapped her hands together, in a dusting-my-hands-with-enthusiasm sort of way, and said she would be right back--she had to consult her newspaper that was covering some players to look out for. She came back and rattled off two names, which I cannot recall. Her eyes twinkled.
"One is with the Rangers and the other is with the Angels..."
My head snapped up.
"Grandmother! Are those baseball players!?"
"Oh, well, yes." She giggled and shook her head and told me to call my cousin Debbie.
Of course. Debbie. Why didn't I just do that to begin with? She gave me a really solid list, and I went home thinking I had it in the bag.
I just forgot about it on Sunday, and by the time Monday came around, I was freaking out a little.
Surely I'm missing some positions. All I have is QBs, RBs, and WRs! What about strong and weak tackles! What about a tight end, a cornerback, and linebackers! What about the kicker!?
I couldn't do much about it. Work is work, and I actually had stuff to do. My cubicle neighbor was of no help. He is actually partially responsible for leading me to believe that I needed all those positions, and he has played before! I was beginning to feel doomed.
I wanted to go straight home and start working on my plan. But I couldn't. It was back-to-school night. If you haven't been to back-to-school night, it's like being in the middle of the Running of the Bulls except with children. It's misery. So with that cramping my plans, I knew dinner was going to have to be compromised: drive-thru.
With everything out of the way and the kids fed, I gave strict and threatening orders to leave me alone until I gave the signal. What that signal was, neither child was brave enough to ask. I was ready to sit down and take a crash course with the intent of finalizing my list, and I prayed the Internet would not go out.
It didn't start out well. I spent a good majority on the wrong league site. I almost let Kyle talk me into using the auto-pick (I knew you were out to get me). And when I couldn't find the auto-pick after I got to the right league page, I almost broke down. I needed some more guidance.
I called my aunt Myrna, and she put me in contact with my cousin Pat (Deb's bro). He gave me an awesome resource (which is actually what James sent me) and gave me some pointers. This is when I learned what "snake" actually meant.
Plan: shot.
Result: tears, cuss words, confusion, and nearly quitting.
I gather my composure and study the website. I feel more prepared, and I'm starting to calm down.
Six more minutes before it starts. My children are screaming for baths, cookies, movies, and really anything that would impede my success with this. At this point, I was 100 percent sure the Internet would go out mid-click of locking in the best players, and someone would certainly need an ambulance.
It's go time. AD: gone. It's cool. I'll take Calvin Johnson.
Whew, that was easy. But wait. Everyone else is disappearing quickly. Ohp. There went my whole list, and I got one, ONE person on there. (I actually got four, but ya know.)
The Gchats begin. I get some encouragement, and I feel like I am doing a decent job. I start to lose track of my cheat sheet, and then about halfway through the draft, it happens.
Thirty-six seconds left, and no one I am entering in is available. I start panicking. What do I do? Who do I pick! I try to find my place on the list and keep entering in names to no avail.
Twenty seconds.
Should I just pick someone farther down that no one is picking yet? Beat the rush? Seal a deal?
Fifteen seconds.
I don't know! It seems a little foolish. I mean, if no one else is doing it that way, why should I?
Five seconds.
Crap!
Matt Bryant: kicker. First one. Booya!
This is what ensued:
James: Mandy, NOOOOOOO!
I think it was all down hill from there.
The last straw, when it was time to pick defense, I was screaming and Gchatting everyone: "What positions are defensive? Who do I pick!?" The clock ran out.
I ended up with the Steelers. Thank you, auto-pick.
But now it's over. My heart rate is starting to resume--two hours later.
It's okay. This weekend, I really will dedicate time to learning what the heck I'm doing.
But now for a fun part: picking my team name.
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